 |
| Oh no you didn't! |
I pride myself on my carefully, and prayerfully, thought-out philosophy of child-rearing. Wade and I are both anti-spanking. We don't hit or slap hands either. Now, I assumed that if I was careful to adhere to a non-violent approach to parenting, any naturally occurring 'violent streaks' in my children would be short lived-- if they even emerged at all. And, that has been the case until now!
To be fair to Judah, he was dealt the kind of genetic hand that would produce a hitter. His Daddy is very much a kinesthetic learner, and a natural athlete. Wade regularly exhibits extraordinary feats of strength that make the jaws of on-lookers drop to the ground (ex: when we moved last spring, he single-handedly lifted my 1968 Story and Clark studio upright piano onto the gangplank, then while lifting one end completely off the ground, muscled it up the ramp's 60 degree incline and into our house). I have never met anyone IRL that was nearly as strong or as naturally coordinated as my husband. Period.
This boy of mine, the hitter, is the spitting image of his father: fair-skinned, blond, big blue eyes, and ridiculously strong and active for his age and size. Judah knows no fear when it comes to physical obstacles (ex: after a brief restroom break, I emerged to find that Judah had climbed on top of our dining room table then proceeded to run across it at the age of 15 months). We have had to remove all of the ladders to our kids' bunk beds, because Judah was climbing up them -- and getting 'stuck' on top of the beds -- before he knew how to walk! But, I don't think I can blame Wade's genetics as the sole cause of Judah's violent streak. Wade doesn't feel the need to hit anyone or anything (outside of the gym). Wade doesn't have my type of "spirited" temperament... but I'm almost certain that our son does.
 |
| Me? Violent? I'm far too cute for you to believe that |
It's not that I am violent by nature... OK, maybe I am. But I'm not violent in practice, really, I'm not! I don't hit anyone or anything (except for Wade, but he totally deserves it). I do, however, feel things very strongly and deeply...and I can tell Judah does as well. This boy is either very joyful and affectionate or incredibly mad and violent. His smiles light up a room, and he is my own personal ray of sunshine. The flip-side of course is that he has a temper that carries over into raging tantrums, and I have the bruises to prove it!
I imagine there are people who believe the way to solve Judah's behavior is to hit him back (or "spank". I feel they are one and the same). Or, infer that his violent behavior is caused by a lack of violence in our disciplinary methods. Don't bother trying to give me that advice, as I cannot logically connect physically disciplining my child with curbing his physical abuse of others. If I can't see the logic in it, I doubt my 18 month old will! Likely, physical discipline would exacerbate his frustration in the moment, and teach him that "Hey, hitting Mom isn't OK, but having her hit me IS... guess I'll just take my frustration out on someone smaller too!"
If you spank your kids, and truly believe that it is the best way to discipline them... that's fine. I will respectfully maintain that it isn't. Granted, I may respectfully maintain my position while simultaneously taking an 18-month old fist to the face. My point is that having my kid hit me doesn't make it right to hit him. Not that I haven't ever felt that a good spanking wasn't in order... surely, my kids have driven me to feeling that way on more than one occasion. But I am an adult, and my actions need not be dictated by my emotions.
 |
| That makes me very angry! You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!! |
A kid like Judah needs to learn this lesson above all others: feeling something strongly in the moment doesn't make it right or even true. Heck, I think every passionate person on the planet (including myself) needs to master this truth, tattoo it on their arm, tape it to their bathroom mirror, whatever.
So, as I wait for my toddler son to develop better impulse control, I will do my best to minimize personal injury. I will try and remind myself that, someday, his Heavenly Father will show him how to use his capacity for powerful emotion for the greater good -- in the same way He continues to show me. Most importantly, I will not take Judah's behavior on as a personal failure. Kids are a lot less innocent and innately "good" than I believed them to be before having some of my own.... but I still believe they deserve to be treated with fundamental human respect. We aren't allowed to hit adults our own size, but are encouraged to hit those much smaller and more fragile than we are? No. Not in my home. Even after taking shin kicks from my own offspring.
